Lately I’ve been a huge Negative Nancy, a Depressed Deborah, a very Sad Sarah. I don’t know what the deal is – the little things that usually make me happy just haven’t been doing it. Rather than feeling euphoric and refreshed after a long run, I just want to cry in the shower. Going to the market and trying a new healthy recipe sounds draining rather than exciting and fun. Instead of rejoicing with friends in their successes, I feel bitter and jealous. I can’t seem to stop fixating on the bad, and it’s been sucking out all of my energy. It doesn’t help that it’s supposed to be Easter season, and I’m supposed to be celebrating the abundance of good in the world. The world doesn’t seem good. It seems scary, and overwhelming, and really fucked up. But today when I woke up, something was different. I felt like myself again. Perhaps this was because I actually got a decent amount of sleep. I finished my most recent read, The Paris Wife, a couple days ago and no longer feel compelled to stay up until 2 am finishing another chapter. Perhaps it was the Irish man from the positive thinking hypnosis app I downloaded, working his magic. Perhaps it was just the way the sunlight poured in through my sheer organza curtains, casting a warm glow on the soft off-white covers wrapped around me.
Anyways, whatever happened, THANK GOD! Life got me down for a little while, but I am back up and ready for action! Every day I am building the person I want to be – and that is not Sad Sarah. In the words of kid president, “You can cry about it, or you can dance about it!” …. that is until the next time I want to cry about it, and I probably will. Whatever. You know, I actually don’t want to give you ludicrous advice about taking control of your life and choosing your best self right now bla bla bla, because sometimes it’s just not that simple. Sometimes the sun is shining and the birds are singing, but you just want to eat ice cream out of the carton and stare at the wall. I love reading inspirational junk as much as the next person – just check out my “words” board on Pinterest. (Really, go check it out – I guarantee you’ll feel better about x/y/z). However, I’m also learning that sadness can be difficult to will away, and that’s okay.
This has been a really hard lesson for me to learn, especially since people seem to think of me as a happy person. At least 65% of all the people I’ve ever met have said something along the lines of, “You’re always smiling!” or “You’re so positive!” It is great to be perceived this way, don’t get me wrong. I just think I’ve internalized this projection of who I am and how I’m supposed to feel to an unhealthy extent. I don’t even exactly know what I’m saying here. I internalize a lot of things, and I try too hard to live up to other people’s expectations. Heck, I try too hard to live up to my own expectations, because they are ridiculous.
I lied about not giving you advice. I came across this quote somewhere last week and scribbled it on the back of a receipt. I think it’s pretty fitting: “Don’t look to other people for validation. Your birth was your validation.”
Okay, well, now you can look at all these lovely pictures of things I’ve been doing. Happy May Day!