It backfired. I am not cut out for this. Can I please curl up on my side after a good long shivasana in a warm yoga studio and stay there for a couple days? I need to recharge my batteries. Actually, no. I want to take out my batteries, throw them away, and just sit on the shelf, staring at the world through glassy eyes and fixed expression. Is this dramatic? This is dramatic. But even writing this is eexxhhaauussttiinngg me. Each finger weighs about twenty pounds and my mind is playing Flight of the Bumblebees on repeat and I can’t really think over the NOISE.
No, I am not hungover. But I suppose that’s the way I feel. Instead of consuming too many drinks, I consumed too many people. I thought that yes would be my mantra and I would click with every person I met because I am lovely and you are lovely and let’s have a good time right now and coffee? yes, drinks? yes, quizzo? yes, bike ride? yes, hike? yes, concert? yes, potluck? yes, this weekend? yes, tomorrow? yes, tonight? yes, right now? yes, yes, yes – join us, join me, let’s go! And I can’t say no because for some reason I feel like I owe you something… it’s our mutual humanity, it’s that you are me and I am you and we’re all in this together.
But I don’t want to be together right now, thanks, I want to be alone.
I have a tendency towards extremism. I like to dive into things, submerge myself completely, only to come up sputtering and gasping for air when I realize that I don’t have gills for the one hundredth time. So naturally, this is the way I approached the whole okcupid thing and my resolution to be more social and meet new people. I filled my schedule to the max with dates and events, so that for the past two weeks I’ve done something nearly every night. It’s been FUN, really, don’t get me wrong. Every person I’ve met has had something good to offer, an interesting quirk, a great sense of humor, etc. I can picture us in the future, best friends, can you believe how we met? we joke and smile as we tell our story. But in each scenario I am a different Sarah. It’s kind of cool, how each person brings out a new side in me. I am a chameleon. I am learning a lot. I am expanding my music library, my list of books to read and films to see, my knowledge of cool hangouts in Philadelphia, my awareness of different social circles and political figures to pay attention to, news sources to follow and shows to see. However, this constant expansion is not sustainable. It’s Thanksgiving, and I ate way too much, and now I need some time to sit and digest.
Of course I never really learn the lessons I say I’ve learned. I have a coffee date in about an hour. Here are some pictures of things.