I can’t say I didn’t see this coming – I did see it coming, but as a worst-case scenario/ this-would-never-happen-to-me sort of thing. Does that make sense? It’s like the one thing that could possibly go wrong, and you fixate on it, despite the fact that chances are one in a million, and then somehow it happens, and it’s exactly what you expected. Lucky for me, getting diagnosed with a rare kidney disease was not nearly as serious as my nightmares (in which I got diagnosed with kidney cancer and given a couple months to live). In fact, at the moment, it’s really not that serious at all, and it probably never will be. But it has significantly altered the course of my future from what I had imagined I would be doing a year ago.
I finally got another call from the nurse reviewing my medical file for Peace Corps, and they have decided to defer me for six months. After six months, I would be able to receive an invitation for programs leaving in Spring 2013 at the earliest. Feelings: frustration, embarrassment, uncertainty. For some reason I feel like a failure, like I’m letting people down, like everyone was expecting me to go and now somehow I’m backing out. Obviously, this is not the case – there is literally nothing I can do about my condition or their decision – but I can’t shake this feeling.
I’m afraid to get caught here. To be seduced by the occasionally glamorous, far too easy, middle-class American lifestyle. To get too comfortable, complacent. To start pursuing dreams that weren’t mine, to morph into every other twenty-something college grad. I want to clarify that I don’t think I’m somehow better than or above the classic American life. I just know that there is so much more out there, so many more ways to be human that I can’t grasp from inside this bubble, so much more understanding to gain. The kind of understanding you can’t get from going on week-long “mission trips” or vacationing in Europe. I don’t want to get stuck here in this one facet, to be charmed by places and people I can’t leave, keeping me here until I realize it’s too late to try and live my life any other way.This is my biggest fear, that come 2013, I’ll be caught, I’ll think I don’t want to do Peace Corps anymore, I’ll worry about what I would miss. I don’t know what else to say about this. I hope I don’t change… I don’t think I will. I’ve wanted to do this for a LONG time, let’s be real.
On a lighter note, I’m not just going to throw away this waiting period sitting around and fantasizing about future travels. While I’m afraid to get trapped here, I want to make this time meaningful too. Thus, I am thrilled to announce that I will be moving back to Philadelphia! I’m going to live with my sister, find a job, hopefully volunteer a lot, and just have fun. I’ll probably have to work a ton to afford rent and living costs, but I know it will be worth it.
Okay, well this was a rather dramatic post, so let’s just call it quits. Yes? Have a wonderful weekend. I’m going to New Orleans!
P.S. Life as of late: